A genuine apology means not merely that I feel sorry. It means that I know that my part in what happened was wrong, and that I have determined that it won't happen again. At a deeper level it means that I have had a change of heart -- I inwardly reject whatever it was that caused me to do/say that thing. Apology means that I have accepted my personal responsibility for what happened, I acknowledge that it was wrong and should not have happened, and that so far as it lies with me it will not happen again.
So real apology lies much more in the will than in how I say I feel. How I feel, even if I feel devastated, is not the issue.
In recent times we have a curious phenomenon. People are apologising all over the place. It has become trendy. Or it has become for some an exercise in damage limitation. Prime Ministers, Presidents, Popes and Bishops, are having to apologise. Others who see themselves as Victims are, often self-righteously, requiring apologies. Apologies are alleged to help towards something called Closure. I don't know what Closure is, and I suspect no one else is sure about it either. In some cases it seems to entail some implied permission to go ahead with a funeral, or to get on with life, as though these things were not possible before.
Media call it the "sorry word", which, as often as not, they say they're not hearing. But when we do hear the Sorry word -- from some celebrity typically, some sporting icon after the latest gang sex episode, or some commercial tycoon who caught his fingers in the till -- we tend to say Yeah, right. It is as though the secular world has really no pathway for healing and restoration, no redemption except for some pathetic ritual apology routine, which is about as empty and hypocritical as anything they criticise in religion.
But I think real apology is just as important and moving as it may be rare. I also think its currency has got drastically devalued in both secular society and the church, in these times.
If all you want is your oppressor to say he is sorry, publicly and humiliatingly, and then you will feel better, and perhaps put it all behind you (another cliche) -- well that's OK, and sometimes it can even be arranged. Then everyone is at liberty to say whether they think the apology is sincere (as though they have any way of knowing). Always there will be some who are satisfied with the expressed apology, and others, possibly many more, who are not.
Perhaps now political and church leaders should cease issuing apologies, for just this reason. For a real sincere apology to be given and then questioned, or rejected, is insulting, doubly humiliating, and perhaps destroying. But to issue merely formal apologies is also insulting, in other ways.
On a more personal level, if you wish your oppressor to confess sorrow and amendment of life, that is quite another matter. That is what the Bible calls metanoia, change of heart and mind and will, a turning around, a new heart and a new start. It is what is meant by repentance.
I don't think secular culture has any way of doing this. So real apology is rare, although ritual apologies are surprisingly common. On the other side of metanoia is not merely peace and resolution of past issues, but also a new life and resolve.
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