Wishing the couple well...?

Having led a very sheltered life and not got out much, I was unprepared for the wedding invitation that arrived.  It was two A4 pages held together by two lolly-pink ribbons top and bottom.  The pages were two shades of pink.  Clasped in the top ribbon was a little heart made of tiny white plastic pearls.  The announcement of the time and place of the wedding was accompanied by the instruction: Dress Semi-formal.  I never take kindly to being instructed on what or what not to wear.  Presumably this instruction was to rule out blokes in black singlets and dirty bare feet, sweating through their tattoos – in Australia or New Zealand, but more so in the former, this may be a wise precaution these days.

An inset which fluttered out of the envelope further advised us that this couple already possessed everything they need for the maintenance of home life, and so in lieu of gifts the guests were asked to give money.  To facilitate this there would be a Wishing Well helpfully and strategically placed at the reception.  You could write your cheque or take your crisp banknotes, put them in the little festive container supplied, and drop them in the Wishing Well.  As you do, you are at liberty to make a secret wish of your own which may be fulfilled.  My own secret wish is probably better left in pectore. 

Startled, I think at the brazenness of this, I began a little swift research on Wishing Wells at Weddings.  It is almost an industry.  Couples who have been living together for some time already and have a house-load of domestic gear, it seems, would rather have straight cash to pay for a more luxurious honeymoon than otherwise.  I am not making this up.  There is also a new genre of poetry to assist the Wishing Well cause, and so we may get:

Because at first we lived in sin
We've got the sheets and a rubbish bin
A gift from you would be swell
But we'd prefer a donation to our Wishing Well!!

I may say that the poets supplying this cause need to do a little more work yet on rhythm, metre and scansion, but perhaps that is quibbling when we get this gem:

Our home is quite complete now,
we've been together long,
so please consider our request and do not take us wrong.
A delicate request it is, we hope you understand.
Please play along as it will give our married life a hand.
The tradition of the wishing well is one that's known by all.
Go to the well, toss in a coin and as the coin does fall,
Make a wish upon that coin and careful as you do.
Cause as the well's tradition goes your wishes will come true.
So on this special day of ours, the day that we'll be wed.
Don't hunt for special gifts but give money in it's stead.
And as you drop the envelope with money great and small,
Remember, make your wish as you watch your money fall.

So come and enjoy the day all sunny
We really would appreciate a little money.

I detect echoes in this... distant sounds of battle with the apostrophe, for one.  I wanted to add, as one does in my circles, the Latin “sic” after it’s, but in this context it would have been open to misinterpretation. 

Moreover, scholars of the protestant reformation may be reminded of Luther’s bête noire, the Monk Tetzel, who went around selling indulgences by which you could procure the release of souls from purgatory:

                As soon as the coin in the coffer rings

                The soul from purgatory springs.

The available Wishing Well anthology includes:

More than just kisses so far we've shared,
Our home has been made with Love and Care,
Most things we need we've already got,
And in our home we can't fit a lot!
A wishing well we thought would be great,
(But only if you wish to participate),
A gift of money is placed in the well,
Then make a wish .... but shhh don't tell!
Once we've replaced the old with the new,
We can look back and say it was thanks to you!
And in return for your kindness, we're sure
That one day soon you will get what you wished for.

This is a little different.  The option not to cough up cash is a bit more explicit.  And it seems the money is not so much to finance a honeymoon at the Burj al Arab, Dubai, but much more prosaically for the replacement of obsolescent household articles.  I have to say, that’s not the kind of cause that stirs my imagination as a donor.  Is this a couple who have given up on life?  All that remains to them by way of inspiration is a Maintenance Mentality, kicked off by a hideous fake White Wishing Well interlaced with yellow roses, all set against a background of Revolting Pink.  (Come to think of it, I am aware of one person in my clan who would think that simply lovely.)

Although a gift from the heart
Is always a pleasant start
We’ve lived together for quite a while
We’ve everything needed to live in style
What we really need is a getaway
In the form of a romantic holiday
To the Cook Islands we’d love to go
But to do that we need a little doh
So if you should choose to donate cash
To the Kristy and Jon honeymoon stash
There will be a wishing well provided
For you to drop your gift in to
Don’t forget to make a wish and
sign your name so that we can thank you

The one felicitous word in that doggerel, it seems to me, is “doh”.  If I’m not mistaken it was coined for our edification by Homer in The Simpsons.  Yes, Kristy and Jon meant dough, but their silly error is wonderfully expressive of the mindless tasteless humbug of weddings in the prevailing culture. 

The date has been set, and we’d love you to come,
To our wedding down south, a long way for some,
All you must do, is decide what to wear,
Then polish your jewellery and cob your hair.
Don’t worry about gifts, don’t buy us a yacht,
The things that we need, we’ve already got.
Don’t go out shopping or get yourself stressed,
Don’t alter your plans for a pre-wedding rest.
If you want to be generous, to the soon to be wed
Then save yourself the hassle and do this instead.....
Contribute to our wishing well, we will be grateful,
We’ll go somewhere hot, where it will be blissful,
A honeymoon would be marvellous, to start off our life,
In our long winding journey, as new husband and wife!

I think of them on their long winding journey, at least initially financed by these guests who have come such a long way.  It occurs to me that anyone holidaying in the Cook Islands these days may well be surrounded by these domestic veterans at mounting risk of terminal boredom, who thought and hoped that a rather expensive wedding copiously sprinkled with pink, might revive things.  Now legally married, they are riding those Rarotongan motorbikes, hooning around on their long winding journey which began by scraping the bottom of the Wishing Well.  Ye gods.  =