This is a revised list. On seeing the first list, my brother emailed me to tell me not to be so censorious. But there are certain realities of old age, among them that, having lived a little, one has likes and dislikes. I am happily grumpy. It seems to be my default mode. I can envisage a happy state in which people generally set aside their egos and behave courteously. The list may be added to as time goes by.
People who think it necessary to censor, conceal, re-write, lie about or sanitise their family histories for their descendants and others.
Anglicans and other church luminaries who in the 21st century insist on poncing around in grotesque gear.
The noise that now passes for music. Why can no one write a decent tune any more?
Apologies that are more about adjusting other people’s feelings than about any true sorrow or amendment of life.
Corporate criminals who avoid any real consequences for their actions.
Silly, banal, unnecessary, unpleasant and sad swearing.
People who call me mate when I am not their mate. People I have never met before who call me Ross. People who say no problem. People who say have a good day. All these people are assuming things I will decide. People who address my wife and me as you guys.
People with no inner resources to manage boredom.
People unable to cook themselves a meal. Finicky eaters. Compulsive vegetarians. People with no sense of good food someone has thought about and prepared for them.
People who phone at dinner-time, or any time, wanting to sell me something.
People who never listen to Bach. People who don’t know who Bach is, as though it doesn’t matter.
People who enter a room talking to everyone, or worse, try to make some kind of Entrance, irrespective of, or not even bothering to know, what they may be interrupting.
People who interrupt a conversation to start up another one of their own. All people who interrupt. Radio interviewers incapable of letting their interviewees complete a sentence.
Pre-dinner drinkies. Cocktail parties, and all such mindless, banal, pointless, tiring occasions.
Stream-of-consciousness conversation which passes for intelligent communication. People who routinely respond to every statement in the first person, talking only about themselves.
Journalists, columnists who write only about what happened to them and how they felt about it.
Wine columns, wine correspondents, wine experts, Masters of Wine, anyone who thinks that wine is anything more than an expensive medium for alcohol, wine bores, wine tasting, wine bars.
Bony chests and low necklines. Silly drunken women at race days, wearing silly hats and displaying bony knees, and staggering around in high heels. The mindless unfunny drunken males who seem to accompany them.
Tattoos, piercings and all forms of body mutilation.
Blokes who think it’s appropriate to enter restaurants, cafes, shops, supermarkets, in smelly singlet and shorts, hairy legs and grubby bare feet with or without jandals.
Baseball caps, especially worn sideways or back-to-front, as though these people think their heads have been installed the wrong way round.
Motor racing and all petrol-heads.
People who can’t spell and don’t think it matters, people with no concern for grammar and logic.
Sports fanatics -- as though any of that actually matters...
Anyone who says, “What you’ve got to realise is...”
Luridly painted toenails. The current female trend for long straggly unkempt hair with all the life dyed or bleached out of it -- what we used to call dull, lifeless hair.
Dog lovers. People who let their pets live inside, feed inside, smell inside. People who think I ought to be charmed with their bloody pets.
Pseudo-sophisticates, usually female, who say O my God!
Mindless adjectives such as sexy, funky.
Racists. People unable to live happily with different cultures in the community, different habits, different languages, different customs and values – ie, in the real world. People who assume the best society is some extension of themselves.
Gated housing developments, and the assumption that anyone who seems to be different is not an acceptable neighbour.
(Usually) American women expressing surprise or some other emotion with their mouths wide open.
Utter dishonesty in funeral orations. The usual range of lies following a violent tragedy... he died doing what he loved, he would never have hurt a fly, he was a gentle giant... It was a quiet cul-de-sac where nothing ever happened...
Pseudo-concepts such as “closure”.
People who “want answers”, as though they would understand them if they got them.
People who can’t sleep because they want “heads to roll” – or because the law has deprived them of the right to hit children.
And all of the following...
At the end of the day
Fairly unique. (Huh…?)
I personally
At this moment in time
With all due respect
Unbeknownst
To be perfectly honest, candid, frank… (Was he not before?)
Absolutely… fantastic… incredible…
It's a nightmare
Shouldn't of
24/7
It's not rocket science
In any way, shape or form
But look…
Basically… Obviously…
Mayhem, carnage (when it’s not)
Turning 1-syllable words into 2-syllable: grow-en, unknow-en
Anythink
From here on in
Going forward
Heading into negative/positive territory
For free
Accenting prepositions, as in: We now go to our correspondent IN Wellington, who is ON the scene…
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